The Unofficial Official Game Awards Drinking Game — The Revenge

Well, here’s this thing again.

I technically took a year off of this thing because I was on a different panel for the Game Awards, but we’re back with a vengeance* and ready to once again take the show as seriously as it deserves to be.

This year, half the jokes make themselves!

As always, please only partake in this kind of game if you’re actually like a functioning adult who can legally drink and also capable of acknowledging that you’re bringing this on yourself, I didn’t make you do anything.

If you want to see this game in action, I’ll be live on Twitch during the entire Awards experience, this time on my wife’s Twitch channel. @The_Xeronite will also be on hand to beat me at this game too. Check that nightmare out at twitch.tv/buttonmashvixen!

And now, for the 2019 edition of The Unofficial Official Game Awards Drinking Game!

· Drink a few ounces of water every time you hear the words “exclusive,” “world premiere,” or “never before seen.” This is to keep you alive.

· Every time you hear the word “Subway,” everyone takes a shot — except for the first person to yell “Eat Fresh!” Ties will be decided by the least drunk.

· Take two shots each time Death Stranding wins an award.

· Take a shot each time you see an ad for a game but realize halfway through that it isn’t a scheduled trailer but the show went to an ad break and didn’t tell you in advance.

· When you see a racial or sexist slur appear in chat, everyone takes a shot. Then close chat for crying out loud! Did you learn nothing last time?!

· If you never had chat open, pat yourself on the back. Have a shot on me.

· Take a shot each time you find out an award was given out prior to the actual awards so they could make more room for ads.

· When you get excited during a game trailer, take a shot.

· The first person to make a Schick Hydrobot joke takes three shots.

· The last person to make a Mountain Dew or Dorito joke also takes three shots.

· Every time a Subway ad plays during ad breaks, the last person to yell “Eat Fresh” takes a shot. They still must yell “Eat Fresh.”

· When it comes time to award the Content Creator of the Year award, everyone must name a woman or NB creator/streamer who deserves to be nominated at least as much as all these dudes do. The last person to do so takes a shot. If you cannot complete this very easy challenge, you best take some suggestions.

· In the event Jump Force wins the Fighting Game category, everyone takes two shots. Because what the hell?

· If a trailer is for DLC to an already released game, play rock, paper, scissors with the person closest to you. Loser takes a shot.

· If the audio cuts out, take a shot.

· Take a shot when you realize the Subway Fresh Indie Game award is not actually for a game at all, but for a studio, and that there is an entirely separate Independent Game category which makes the Subway Fresh Indie Game award that much more fucking embarrassing for everyone involved.

· If at any point during the show (including ad breaks) you go look at the Steam sale or start to download a shadow dropped game or DLC, take a shot.

· When the winner of the Subway Fresh Indie Game award looks entirely too embarrassed to be given such an award but also doesn’t want to come off as a jerk, take a shot. Should the winner of the Subway Fresh Indie Game award refuses the award or declines to take the stage, take two shots.

· If Control wins Game of the Year, everyone must open Twitter and find a tweet from a Gamer complaining that it doesn’t deserve to win. Last person to succeed at this takes a shot.

· Take a shot when you feel kind of bad for always making fun of what is, in spite of all of its horrible flaws, a really big passion project for Geoff Keighley and his staff.

While things like this are all fun and games, the thing about awards shows in general is that they suck — especially when it comes to video games. In the case of the Game Awards specifically, they’re trying to codify an industry that is chaotic by design and those at the top of it frankly don’t care about the “art” of these games. Not winning Game of the Year here isn’t going to stop a publisher from slapping those exact words on a reissue of their game in a few months as an excuse to sell it all over again. I honestly miss the pre-Game Awards era of having to go to different outlets and critics and learn what they liked and why; because it was all so different from each other. It was an environment the art that I think Geoff actually wants to celebrate.

Coming soon: an attempt to get back to that.

*vengeance not guaranteed